Where I’ve Been Eating in London Lately, Winter 2018 Edition

I know I know…what about restaurant reviews, Krista? Maybe you could give us some of them? Maybe? Yes yes, I can…sort of. Because you know, I’m old now and the memory is going and why spend three hours writing one blog post when I can just Instagram everything in SECONDS?? (Hah! You know those people who say blogging is dying? It’s because THEY’RE LAZY and don’t have the stamina for it. 14 years in JUNE, people. 14 YEARS.) So yes, here are some of the new-to-me places I’ve eaten at lately.

The Highlights

Hovarda, Chinatown: Now this was a lovely, lovely surprise. My old friend Feathers and I had some fantastically painfully good foot massages in the very basic but MAN DOES IT FEEL AMAZING Step In Reflexology and then repaired around the corner for lunch at Hovarda. (Right next to Palomar.) The food is somewhere in between Greece and Turkey and Instagram and I say this with kindness because guys, I really liked it here. It’s a gorgeous space — even the loos are pretty. Our half Venezuelan half Portuguese server was so kind and attentive and best of all, the food was bright and different and interesting. Faye didn’t like it here in November but man, I really liked it here in January. (We had the baby chicken and fought over its remains. RIP baby chicken.) Also, that Greek salad was perfect. Honestly, loved everything here. The Verdict: I dig it. A lot.

The Coach, Clerkenwell: I visited here on Day 2 so maybe it doesn’t count but I had a really delightful lunch for one — ham, egg, white beans, toast. I felt French. I felt beautiful. I felt clean.

I like the new light and bright “Coach & Horses.” (How did I never realize there was a back garden? “Well, it was a bit dank,” was the response when I asked.) Whoever decorated The Coach is welcome to swing by my flat and make some suggestions.

Service was very young and inexperienced and my espresso never materialized. Because sometimes I like to play these games and meandclocksarelikethis, I actually timed how long it took them to bring me my espresso. (I had a feeling.) After 15 minutes, I went up to the bar and got my espresso and paid. Was sorta hoping they’d give it to me for free after all that time but it was a soft launch and that’s not how things work. And well, “You forgot my espresso” just sounds so #firstworldproblemy — almost as bad as how my manicurist forgot to moisturize and massage my right hand yesterday and I had to remind her. Mr. Harris himself was hard at work on the day and I cannot welcome him to EC1 more enthusiastically. The Verdict: Oui, oui, oui.

Tohbang, Clerkenwell: I was here ages ago when it was a different Korean restaurant but man do I like this place. I’m not sure if it’s family run but it feels that way. I put my American friend who speaks Korean — now that threw the staff off — in charge and she ordered us a meat extravaganza and I might have drank too much soju. The chicken in some sort of chili sauce was my favorite. Everything is a bit hazy with all that soju but I never promised you I was a professional food writer and I remember liking everything, plus solving all the world’s problems. The Verdict: I like it here. It feels like the real deal…people just trying to make a good living.

The OK

Henrietta, Covent Garden: Dropped in here for brunch on a Sunday with my friends Natasa and Olly and man it’s dark in here. Also, the table arrangements felt off and the sofa-y seating is weird because someone has forgotten to click the pieces together so if you make one wrong move, you fall through the cracks. (Or maybe there are no clicky bits. Just watch out. These things slide.) The food was fine. I had the sirloin and we ordered some anchovies for the table. Remember I do not like Western breakfast foods overmuch except for the occasional salt bagel or pancakes so brunch menus are hard for me. (Asian breakfasts FTW, she writes, as she finishes her late breakfast of ramen noodles.) I’ve just checked the Sunday menu online and it appears to be completely different from what we had. More brunch-y. Maybe you guys like that. Also, this is not the restaurant’s fault but I had to watch two lovers canoodle for an awkward 30 minutes and guys, I’m just trying to have lunch here. You know what I did like? BOTTOMLESS PROSECCO AT £20. Also, the loo wallpaper. The Verdict: Good if you are nearby.

The Meh

Nuala, Shoreditch: Proving yet again that I really should design chairs for a living. WHAT IS UP with the seating, NUALA? Even the staff seemed to dislike it. Many years ago, I bought a sofa at Habitat on Tottenham Court Road after sitting on it briefly in the showroom. NEVER AGAIN SATAN. Do you know what you don’t want in a sofa or restaurant seating? LOW BACKS. Also, in Nuala’s case, tables that are bolted to the floor.

I ordered a plank smoked salmon salad and wasn’t quite sure what to do with what I received. I really like smoked salmon. But this seemed like undercooked salmon? Puzzled if it was them or if it was me, I ate around it and moved on. (I know there’s cold smoked and hot smoked so perhaps this was cold smoked? Not for me if so. Also, I just read too much about smoked salmon on the internet and don’t do that because CANCER.) Service was friendly most of the time until the end when we tried to provide some feedback about the seating and the server just walked away in the middle of the conversation. She returned a few minutes later, apologizing, saying she had to sneeze. It was weird. The Verdict: Meh.

Blanchette, Shoreditch: I had a bit of a weird day that left me on Brick Lane way past lunchtime so I dropped in here and no one was glad to see me. I apparently arrived at that time of day where the staff enjoys the lull. I should have turned around and walked out but HANGER. I had the baked Moroccan eggs with flat bread and they were fine. I should have ordered more bread. It’s a pretty space and the RISQUE loo wallpaper is ace so there’s that. The Verdict: Pretty little place for lunch but maybe go during normal hours.

Londrino, Bermondsey: Guys, I was so excited for this place. And I like the look of it — very spacious and cool decorative airplane engine that no one could explain. But man, this was a comedy of errors. Firstly, can we talk about how much silverware is on the table? A LOT. And then I had an entire conversation with my server about what starter I wanted and — surprise — the one I decided to NOT HAVE arrived. I explained to the gentleman that delivered the dish that I had had a long conversation with the server about “To vegetable or not to vegetable” and while we certainly talked about the prawns, ultimately, I very clearly selected the cabbage and my server even repeated my entire order back to me. The gentleman who delivered the dish had no issue replacing the prawns with the cabbage but then my original server had to come back and explain how she really thought I had ordered the prawns and what else can you say but “I’m very sorry but I didn’t. We talked about it but I didn’t.”

OK, now let’s talk about the wines by the glass. What is wrong with this picture?

Forgetting yet again that NO ONE LIKES IT WHEN KRISTA IS HELPFUL, I tried to (helpfully) explain to my server and then the main guy in charge that they had made a mistake with the pricing of their Kumpf Et Meyer. “No we haven’t,” was the answer. To which I just tried to (helpfully) explain that their general multiple between glass and carafe was about 4 but for the Kumpf Et Meyer, it was 3 and that seemed weird. Why would 4 glasses cost me £32 but 500 ml cost me £23? Just bring the 500 ml and let’s pour it into four glasses then. Perhaps someone had reversed the numbers? Perhaps? “That’s the way it’s supposed to be,” the guy in charge explained. “It’s based on 1 liter pricing.”

I totally didn’t get that but OK then. It’s your bottom line.

About ten minutes later, the guy in charge came back and admitted they had made a mistake. So respect for that.

And then I ordered the spinach esperregado and I really shouldn’t have. I expected something buttery but really it was just Vitamixed Spinach.  I am not a vegan. Also, the presentation of the Galician bavette (white kale, almonds) is somewhat comical, no? WTF dudes.

Oh!! And the table next to me! There was a woman in her late 40s or early 50s who got really wasted and just kept F-bombing left and right at increasing volume and it was highly unenjoyable. Not the restaurant’s fault but I was sitting there with my pile of pureed spinach thinking, “I just wanted a nice lunch.” (Um…so I went to Jose afterwards.)

Everyone seems to like it here so I should give it another try but for the love of God…it better be good.

The Verdict: So many questions.

OK now that’s your fill of me talking about restaurants for a while. I could have tortured you and drawn this out into multiple posts but I didn’t. I’m okay with that. Hope you are too. Have you been to any of these places? What did you think? And where should I go next?