I always liked the Beatitudes better than the Commandments. I like guidelines, not laws. If I were truly creative, I would craft my guidelines here in line with the Gospels of Matthew and Luke. Just like the Beatitudes. But instead, I will just tell you what I think when I go out to eat. I think too much, really. I probably eat too much too. But as I keep reminding myself…Blessed are the hungry. They shall be filled!
Always eat where the cops eat. Cops appreciate a good value.
Always ask where the taxi drivers eat too, actually. They’re pretty value-conscious as well.
Never order what someone else is ordering. That’s boring.
Always make sure you know where the nearest place with peanuts on the floor is.
Never order chicken or salmon. You can make that for yourself. (Okay, I can really only make chicken and salmon if I really, really try. But I would make chicken or salmon before I’d make duck.)
Only order seafood in seafood restaurants. Note that this doesn’t apply to salmon, which can we ordered anywhere, but please see previous rule. This does not apply to most Cantonese restaurants either, which, for the most part, do good fish.
If you must drink alone, always drink champagne.
If the restaurant gives you back your dirty fork and knife after your starter, that’s gross.
This one is for the ladies–always keep your purse on your lap or on the floor between your feet when you’re eating. Nothing sucks more than getting your wallet stolen during a night out.
If your wallet does get stolen, check all the nearest trashcans. Most thieves are only after your cash and will dump your wallet as soon as humanly possible.
Do not channel your father, the retired New York City police officer, when writing in your blog.
If the bathrooms/toilets/loos aren’t clean, the kitchen probably isn’t either.
Beware the poppy seed. Always carry a mirror.
Never eat the pretzels on the table in a Bavarian restaurant. They’re not free.
Never order lunch for dinner. That’s tacky.
The answer to "Still or Sparkling?" is always TAP. Water should never cost you anything.
