Wine, Oysters, Mussels, Cake. In that order.

UK food bloggers together are bad. Bad bad bad. I was out the other night with Howard and Ben and we were talking about a particular topic discussed during the evening, and how Howard had gotten a bit tired of that one particular topic.

And I said, "But don’t you think people get tired of US? Talking about food constantly? I mean ALL THE TIME? Not wanting to go to Pizza Express (except for their delicious salad dressing) or Ask or All Bar One? Not wanting to go to a restaurant we’ve already been to when we can go someplace new and exciting? Rattling on and on about how bottled water is a rip off?" (OK, that bottled water thing is just me.)

But man if we’re not fun. Case in point.  Fellow UK food blogger Jess from Ripe London invites me along to the London Food Fair. She’s got some free tickets! Which is great. Because the food fare SUCKS. Big time. It’s so lame. There’s no one there. The only saving grace was Brown Brothers. Because we tasted a lot of wine there. But other than that, I’m glad we didn’t pay to get in.

So we were going to assauge ourselves with a burrito over at Mucho Mas, but I convinced Jess to head over to the Hay’s Galleria Oyster Fest instead. I love the Oyster Fest. This was my fourth year visiting. Good times.

So we had some oysters, which were lovely.

And then we had some mussels, which were just okay…although that didn’t stop us!

And then we headed over to Borough in the hopes that Konditor and Cook might be open, but they weren’t. (It was a Sunday.) So we went to Patisserie Lila instead.

1 Bedale Street
SE1 9AL
Tel: 020 7403 6304

Now, I like the way Patisserie Lila looks. It’s cute. And I, as an American, love anything cute.

But you know what? I am annoyed almost immediately. Jess and I pick out some cake–coffee cake for me (which is not American-style coffee cake, but rather layer cake with coffee frosting in between the layers) and an apple tart for her (which looks amazing), and we’re told to take a seat because they’ll take our order. Fine. Fine. So we sit.

And then–here comes the annoying bit–our server tells us "You can only sit if you’re having food."

She says this with no context whatsoever. It is a pronouncement.

Now really, it’s fine because we are having food. But as I like to say, it’s all in the delivery. Had she said, "Hi, how are you? Are you having cake? Or just coffee?" I would have been fine. (Although if she had made me leave because I wasn’t having cake, I would have caused a scene. A big Long Island scene.)

As I also like to say…if the NPV of any transaction is greater than 0, you should do it. (And well, correct me if I’m wrong–but wouldn’t forcing me to leave be a Negative NPV transaction? Throw people out of pastry shop. Make no money. People never come back because they are annoyed. So make less money off of said people than you would have if you had JUST LET THEM HAVE THEIR COFFEE.) So if Patisserie Lila has been throwing people out all this time because they’re not having cake, well, they’re idiots. Because they could be doing this so differently.

Example: For the people who don’t order cake, tempt them! Have something sweet and inexpensive behind the counter. Bring it out. Have them try it. UPSELL them.
 
Another Example: Give them a little coupon for 50p off cake THE NEXT TIME they come in. This increases the chances that they will come back, and next time, they’ll order food! MENTAL ACCOUNTING, folks. They will have the coupon for 50p, and will most likely spend more because in their head, they are saving money.

Another Example: Say, "Are you sure? We just had a great apple tart come out. It’s really great." In other words, use your powers of persuasion, rather than being a complete and utter jackass.

Is it really that hard? No. It’s not. But why why why do people treat customers like the plague? Like idiots? Like cheapskates? Like they might never be secret-shopped? Like no one will ever write a review about Patisserie Lila? Because now, I’m never going back. They are just too short-sighted for me. I don’t care how cute they are or how delicious their apple tart is. (For the record, the coffee cake was just okay.) They are dead to me.